Hey look! I found your nose!

I came across this topic of a lady who seemed to be educated and pretty much aware of current ongoings pried upon a young woman about her clothes and said somethings that infuriated a whole bunch of people nation wide, no shame in admitting that I was one of them too. Though I went on social media liking comments and scattering my own share of wisdom pearls across the worlds farmlands, I then thought to myself, you can’t change a person or ones opinions or the way ones brain functions, the only thing you can be capable of changing is you. Then why not learn to tackle a situation that might result in something similar when nosiness is involved. Let’s dive in then.

Well, nosy questions. We all face them for different reasons. Perhaps while making small talk with an acquaintance you inadvertently confront a topic you’d rather not discuss. Or like the auntie in that viral video who sprang out of nowhere firing her “opinion bullets” from a mouth that looked nothing less like a misfiring SMG.

So, It could be a question as simple as the reason your name doesn’t match that of your partner, children, or parents: “Were you married before?” “What was your family’s name before your father changed it?” Or, the question could pertain to some fact about yourself that you’d prefer to keep to yourself: “Why aren’t you drinking tonight?” You feel it’s no one else’s business. It can be about anything really, your looks, your choices, preferences, clothes, etc.

The questions we consider too personal may not come from strangers, as sometimes friends or coworkers discover something about you they didn’t know before, such as how you took five years to complete high school. The reason might have been something very personal, that you’d rather keep to yourself . You feel obligated to explain, however, because the questioner seems genuinely interested.

In these situations, people commonly fabricate something that’s not quite true that may satisfy and the conversation continues. This strategy may haunt you later, however, if the facts surface. If your partner remembers it, you’ll have to continue the pretense from then on out.

Or, you may be talking with a person performing a service for you, such as getting your hair styled or your nails done  or going to the dentist. Your service provider may venture into territory that feels overly personal, well, genuinely for maybe some small talk. You’re unable to move away and faced with an onslaught of probing questions, all you can do is squirm or feign sleep.

I began scouring through the internet and stumbled upon a concept called “nepotistic nosiness”. This was the topic of a 2007 article published in a journal called “Evolution and Human Behavior” by University of British Columbia psychologists Jason Faulkner and Mark Schaller (applause).They addressed how knowing about those we mate with would benefit the species.

Faulkner and Schaller point out that: “It is no surprise, that when matters of sex intersect with matters of kinship, people care a lot” (found it on page 430). According to the principle of “inclusive fitness,” we care (and should care) the most about the people genetically closest to us. It would be appropriate, by this way of thinking, to be nosy about the sex lives of our first-degree kin, because what benefits them benefits us.

Now my readers who are wondering if y’all have a license to interrogate your siblings, parents, or children about the details of their sex lives, remember that this approach to understanding nosiness is somewhat narrow. You may have an evolutionary right to gain inside information about your relatives, but your nosy questions may not be appreciated by them. Similarly, these people may have the right to query you, but you may not feel like providing answers.

While there are no tried and tested prescriptions for how to understand and deal with nosiness, the psychology of communication can help. After putting to use our genetically embedded Hunter-gatherer skills The Waterman now lays down 8 ways to handle the nosy questions that invade your boundaries:

1. Notice the cues that signal oncoming nosiness.

If you fear the person next to you in a bus, airplane, or waiting room will pry, arrange the situation so that you don’t have to go deeper into conversation. Consider getting something to read or fiddle with your phone, that alone is the easiest way out. If that fails, politely answer a few questions and shift your attention elsewhere.

2. Tell the truth.

As stated earlier, once you start to lie, you may find yourself inextricably bound to facts that later conversations can’t support. You don’t have to give all the facts, but be honest about what little (if anything) you decide to share.

3. Decide what makes the question “nosy.”

The questioner may have no ill will in mind, but is just asking an ordinary question. It may just feel nosy because it relates to something in your life about which you’re sensitive, but they clearly don’t know it. If so, feeling invaded may help you to understand some of your own personal insecurities and concerns. Realize them and 

4. Practice a socially acceptable way to respond to common questions.

If you repeatedly get the same question, create an answer to use that helps you avoid anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. A little homework never hurt anyone now, did it?

5. Use deflection.

Rather than deception, change the subject. The questioner may not be happy, but if you feel that things are getting too personal, shift the focus. If you’re at a social gathering, find a way to move on to someone else (“I need to refill my plate”) or engage someone nearby in conversation and then discretely move on. Try not to pull off a reverse legilimency stunt like Harry Potter.

6. State your discomfort.

It may not seem socially acceptable to let someone know you feel invaded but, by making your desires known, you do both of you a favor. Because people may not realize that an “innocent” question is too personal, most will respect your desire for distance and appreciate your honesty in communicating this.

7. Realize that some people are “compulsive communicators.”

Some individuals can’t stop talking. Not long ago a read a  paper by some dude called Bolen form the Oakland University and he described how some students can’t stop talking in class, and some instructors don’t know when to give those students a chance to participate. I myself have faced this issue when I am up there addressing large groups of individuals. Some hair stylists and dental assistants repeatedly question their clients or patients because they don’t know another way to interact. To them its initiating small talk but to the other person its an unwanted interrogation! So, You need not be forced to listen to their chatter if it becomes a burden. Through nonverbal cues, let them know you prefer a little peace and quiet. Non verbal cues do not include punches in the face, thank you very much.

Now lastly,

8. Don’t be nosy yourself.

We more often recognize other’s failings than our own similar ones. Perhaps your conversation partner is reciprocating the cues you provide through your own questions. Stop and consider whether you inquired a bit too much in the past. If so, reduce it on your end to help maintain conversational boundaries.

So food for thought my dear readers, let’s help ourselves and others to introspect and ask, does my nose belong in what looks like somebody else’s business?
The Waterman